After my heart-breaking divorce, I’m starting to have feelings for someone. It might be a dangerous path for me, the aspergirl who is able to drown in any female character in order to be loved back with a high risk of losing my own identity. Therefore, I have decided to write me a sticky note as a warning that I could refer to anytime.
It has been four months since my husband and I split up. My house is not yet sold. My ex-husband still leave there with half of our furniture. I drop my daugther off there every two week-ends. Every two weeks, I ring the bell of my own house, I say hi to my ex which sounds weird. When I get into the house, I feel like I am a stranger to my own life. I have a glimpse around and can recognize some familiar pieces of furniture, the doormat on which I used to wipe my feet after a hard day at work. Then, I firmly hug my daugther while automatically saying « see you in a couple of days, sweetheart » and I get back into the car. I drive away from my dream house, away from this fairy tale that I built brick by brick by means of huge efforts and hard work: a happy family, warm home, financial comfort, deep and inconditional love. After many weeks, I get used to drive away my own house, feeling this intense sorrow fading away while pushing the gas pedal.
Over the years, I’ve learn, using an trial and error approach, what to keep for myself in order to avoid hurting feelings of someone I love, look eccentric,weird or pretentious at family reunions. I’ve learned over the years to hide my hyper/hypo sensitivities. I wrote a non exhaustive list of what I keep to myself.
Sorry, this post’s title is rude but you know what? This is my space and I just want to shout loudly: f*ck Aspergers.
Today is one of these days when I’m tired of being an aspie. Being autistic defines who I am, what I can not do (a lot). Having Aspergers makes me exhausted all the time…
That doesn’t mean I don’t accept myself. I’d just like to press the OFF button to turn my handicap off and feel free to be without thinking ahead how to avoid a meltdown or a shutdown.
Today is one of these days I hate being autistic. That’s all I want to say.