It has been four months since my husband and I split up. My house is not yet sold. My ex-husband still leave there with half of our furniture. I drop my daugther off there every two week-ends. Every two weeks, I ring the bell of my own house, I say hi to my ex which sounds weird. When I get into the house, I feel like I am a stranger to my own life. I have a glimpse around and can recognize some familiar pieces of furniture, the doormat on which I used to wipe my feet after a hard day at work. Then, I firmly hug my daugther while automatically saying « see you in a couple of days, sweetheart » and I get back into the car. I drive away from my dream house, away from this fairy tale that I built brick by brick by means of huge efforts and hard work: a happy family, warm home, financial comfort, deep and inconditional love. After many weeks, I get used to drive away my own house, feeling this intense sorrow fading away while pushing the gas pedal.
I tought I was leaving one of the most difficult time of my life. I couldn’t imagine it could actually be worst. Well, it can. My ex-husband told me about you… about you and him, about your blossoming relationship. I almost faint. I didn’t expect it so soon. I wasn’t prepared for that. I was just getting used to the shared custody and not to feel too hurt when seeing my man around not wanting me to be his wife anymore. I cried loudly, stream of tears like those Mourners of Sicily. Why? Undoubtedly, because I unconsciously thought, we could go back together as long as our house was not yet sold. The walls of our love were not yet coming down.
Just after feeling extremely sad, I felt extremely angry. I was mad at you. Yes, mad at you since you and I, we know each other. Do you remember this day when you helped us moving in our new house, two years ago? I was so excited! I remember the two of us fitting my daughter’s books into her bedroom’s shelf. You had no idea that kid books could be so amazing! This was a new world to you since you don’t have kids. I became angry because I blindly attributed the end of my marriage to the fact that I have Aspergers. I was jealous that you don’t. Moreover, I was mad at you because you and I, are coworkers for almost three years now. We get bored at the same time during work meetings. We travelled together to scientific missions… I felt betrayed. I couldn’t get away from this unbareable situation since I could see you and my ex (who is also a scientist) at my work place… every single day. I had no place left to hide my sorrow at least a couple of hours a day. I also pictured you in my dream house enjoying the life I spent years to build with the man I love.
You know what? I hate being angry. It makes me feel disgusting, dirty. Anger is a heavy burdain I can not stand. I hate feeling this way. It is so strong, I am obsessed. I can not sleep or eat. It really affects my body in many ways: hurtburns, irregular heartbeat, skin rash. The psychosomatic expression of my affective inner self. Therefore, I had no other choice than to forgive, accept and embrace the situation in order to feel better.
Thus, I gave it a second thought. I don’t think you chose him on purpose to hurt me. I know you a little and I know you are as hypersensitive as I am. Finally, you didn’t betray me since my ex and I were officially apart when you started dating him. Starting from now, we are going to share our work place and private sphere. We’d rather get along in order to help each other as we already started to do at work around macho men.
Back to her week-end with her father, Marianne told me you’ve started teaching her how to play the piano. What a good idea! She has been asking me for ages to take piano class. Do they not say that it takes a village to raise a child? What will happen to my daughter if my symptoms worsen? Nobody knows exactly what happens to autistic people when they get older. There is no scientific study on that topic. I will need as much help as I can find. I started thinking it was a chance to already know you. I know that you are a kind, smart and sensitive person. I know that my daughter will be in good company with you. As you are gifted like her, you two will get along very well. As she is already eager to see you in two weeks, I have no other option than making peace with you.
Forgiveness and acceptance, it’s the way towards happiness.